Conjuring Cuddles

There is something intoxicating and calming about our energies. I felt it the first time we met, even before we touched. You felt like dessert and home, fuckery and mischief. I was instantly drawn and bonus, you are incredibly sexy. You’re all beautiful eyes, slow smile, and penetrating eye contact. So yum.

The sex happened fast… sensual, intense, fun, honest, intimate. It was the sensuality and intimacy that threw me. I have a lot of body unraveling sex these days, pretty damn happy about that if I’m honest. It’s been a long time coming! (pun intended) But the generous sensuality of you caught me off guard in the best way.

I haven’t experienced sensuality and intimacy like this in a long time, maybe never actually, not in this way. It’s intoxicating. 

I’ve normalized sex as connection and am working to change that. I am calling in meaningful encounters and deeper experiences. Vulnerability. Sensuality. Touch without escalation to carnal. I want to know slowing and savoring. I’m learning to allow someone to touch and enjoy my body without feeling like I need to ‘pay’ for the pleasure or hide parts of my body. To receive purely and allow the other to give freely.

By risking vulnerability, physically and emotionally, I am also making space for rejection. That is a big scary. Huge. I’m skeptical and untrusting by nature. I see that I am and I know it does not serve me so that too, is a pattern I’m unlearning. I can be vulnerable. Sure I can.

This thing with me and you, it feels like a season of healing. Me for my reasons, you for yours. And it feels good right now. I’m mindful of staying present to the now and feeling the moment for what it is. Eventually this season will pass and we’ll go our separate ways and that will be okay. Or maybe it won’t. There is an ember of hope in my deeper self that wants us to be more than that. 

Fuuuuuck me. Another big scary.

The sex is crazy good. From the first time we fucked, and came together, I knew I would crave you like morning coffee. And I do. I knew I would want you as often as I could get you until one of us moves on, but until then, can we hang every day, for pants on and off fun?! Pretty please? I’m totally hooked!

Don’t worry, you’re safe with me, it’s only a mild obsession. 

You were beautifully clear about your intentions and boundaries… you don’t want to date, you’re here for pants off fun. You are in a place of exploring your uncharted desires. Taking time to heal, travel, and have casual encounters. To nourish yourself in all the ways and honor your needs as you venture into your next chapter. Those are my words but that’s what I heard you say in Sarah speak. Respect.

No dating. Got it.

Except the past two weeks really piled up on me and I got a little sideways. I had this urgent need to hold and be held. To snuggle and just be with someone who felt safe and comforting and would not turn a cuddle sesh into sex. I wanted to place my ear on someone’s chest, get a kiss on the forehead, and put down everything I was holding up. And not with a friend but with an intimate companion. Those feelings are not something I’ve felt for a very long time. It fucking terrified me so of course, I leaned into the terror and asked myself what and who I needed.

When I thought of who I wanted to touch and share energies with, you were the first person that came to mind. Well fuck. Our physical thing is good and easy and I didn’t want to fuck it up or send you running. And of course, I didn’t like the vulnerability I would expose myself to by asking and I didn’t like the thought of giving someone the opportunity to disappoint or hurt me.

So yesterday morning I stared at my phone, pondering. Asking you was a risk. A really big one. But our energies are also sweet and tender, cuddly and intimate. Safe and open. So, I picked up my phone, wrote the text, and took the risk. 

I have to detour here and say how incredibly proud of me I am. I asked for what I needed without shame or equivocation. I did not over explain or over ask. I didn’t feel the need to justify my ask nor did I feel the need to craft you four ways to say no. If you said no to cuddles, or no to us entirely after getting my text well, then, I’d move through those feels and that too would be part of my journey.

But I didn’t scare you off and you didn’t say no. You responded lovingly, honestly, and you opened yourself to me as well. I asked for mutuality, if you felt safe coming to me for the same? Yes, you did. 

Wow. Right on. Okee dokee. Relief and sweetness for you filled my heart. I took the risk. I embraced my vulnerability and took the leap to allow someone in for this small and massive ask and in this instance, I found my needs exquisitely met with someone who wanted the same of me. 

What a beautiful little miracle.

Later that night we sat on my sofa tangled together, my head on your chest and I said, I took a big risk asking for this. It was a big risk, you replied. For a split second my chest tightened. Then you planted a long slow kiss on my head, breathed me in, and hugged me tighter. 

I know I called you in for this current phase of my healing work. I didn’t know it would be ‘you’ but here you are with all the qualities I was conjuring. I believe you also called ‘me’ in at this time to support you in your healing. This season we’re in, whatever it is and for however long it lasts, I am immensely grateful for and appreciative of our connection. 

Each year I meditate on what’s next in my work on me. I distill my larger intention to one word and actively seek out ways to bring the quality of that word into my life. For the past two years it was, alignment. That one was tough but I dropped in and feel aligned with myself in a way I never have. 

This year my word is nourishment. I’ve done an amazing job healing old, painful physical injuries and diving into my relationship with my body and movement. I’ve spent loads of time with friends that fill me up and I’ve released those that don’t. I began dating and instead of creating a metric that people had to fit, I just started saying, yes. Yes to all the things. I’ve had good and ridiculous experiences and I am grateful for them all!

And now here you are. All glittering eyes, kind heart, gentle spirit, beautiful smile. You are the most recent embodiment in my year of nourishing. From the beginning that is how I feel after we’d part. I feel nourished. It’s a good feeling. I hope we last a while, I’d like to know more of you. I’d like to keep feeling this feeling a little longer. 

You are absolutely exquisite. I feel incredibly fortunate for you and this experience. Thank you, beautiful, beautiful soul. 


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