I didn’t listen when she whispered.
I heard her. I heard her whisper often.
I pressed on. Willfully ignoring her.
Arrogantly thinking, she’ll be fine.
She’s always fine.
Until she wasn’t.
She yelped in pain. But only occasionally.
So I pressed on.
I heard her but I didn’t listen.
I knew she needed more from me.
I knew what she needed from me.
And I pressed on. Willfully ignoring her.
Arrogantly thinking, she’ll be fine.
She always is.
Once she yelped loudly, viscously, suddenly.
We were so scared.
She yelped so viscously that we went to the ER.
Unveiled skepticism from the nurses.
Disdain from the doctor.
A shot of demerol in the ass and a scrip.
We were sent home.
She never filled the scip.
She was done whispering.
When she began yelling regularly I thought…
This is it. It’s time to listen.
It’s time to listen and do, before it’s too late.
But I was busy again, distracted.
I pushed her needs aside.
When is too late?
I pressed on. Willfully ignoring her.
Arrogantly thinking, she’ll be fine.
She’s always fine.
Time passed and her yells turned into a constant, quiet scream.
Until one day, she screamed with no reserve.
Once she started screaming, she did not stop.
Then time stopped.
Everything was on fire. It all screamed now.
She was no longer fine.
We are not fine.
I lay here now, strategically propped up on an incline of pillows.
Muscle relaxers coursing through my blood, trying to settle her raging spasm.
Advil, more than my body should take, taking the edge off the pain.
It still hurts.
I am not fine.
Is this what too late feels like?
I wrap my arms around myself to calm my nervous system.
I bow my head into my own embrace and I whisper to my body.
I’m sorry.
I’m so very sorry.
We’ll be okay.
I will heal us.
I hear you.
I am listening now.
I love writing I mean I LOVE WRITING. It’s helped me regain agency over my dark stories and celebrate my growth and joy stories. Writing helps me self-heal and has given me a place to explore my creativity and keep my sanity! Working for Our Story and Starfish Connection gives me an opportunity to do what I love and give others a place to do the same in a supported community that we built for storytellers like me.
