She Comes Back

I am a survivor of molestation and sexual assault, and I am left with the scars that sometimes open to let out the pain. 


My body was used to make the assaulters feel powerful. During the assaults, I was not considered a child or a woman, I was a body to break to fix their brokenness. I know they don’t remember me, yet each one of them will be remembered in my life until the day I die. Little did they know they would become a part of many life decisions because of my need for safety from them. The emotional and financial impact of years of different therapies, self defense classes, career choices, security systems in order to help me live with them, I am certain were not considered while they stole those moments from my life to forget their trauma by creating more. 


The assaulters have shown up in other places in my life such as relationships. Because of the assaulters, I thought I needed someone else to protect me. Because of the assaulters, I developed a cold, unpredictable mask I could slip on if I felt unsafe around others. Because of the assaulters, I learned how to pretend everything was okay and move forward in my life. As a “normal” person. Because of the assaulters, I learned how to not listen to my body, override pain, and develop an antagonistic relationship with food. They were constantly with me in those early years. But I know I was never with them. 


But then She came back for me. She wanted to be number one over them. She wanted me to see her at night when I couldn’t sleep and not them. She wanted me to listen to our body and honor its strength and resilience. She wanted me to see our beauty, talent and commitment to live our life with boldness and confidence. She pushed them aside for us to lead the way. 


She wanted to be seen, heard, taken care of. She demanded to stay at home, and cancel plans in order to sob in the closet. She felt rage, kept clawing for understanding. She wanted to be held and protected. She made me go to self defense to protect us. She made me go to years of therapy to understand. She made me talk about it honestly and openly without needing anyone to take care of us. She made us space to feel vulnerable and soft. She gave me the permission to heal and become a survivor. She and I keep us safe. 


We know the assaulters pain and forgive them for what they have done to us. We chose to not carry their pain and use what has been given to us by them as a means to grow beyond our wildest dreams. We know we have each other. This is the gift. She helped my victim become the survivor. 


She always comes back for me. I always come back for her.

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