My Angel Baby

I’m fucking angry. I am angry that something as intimate as my female body has been commanded by your political agenda. I’m angry that my hurt/ pain/ experience… my god damn story doesn’t mean shit to those in power. All they care about is their own religion or opinion. Nobody took the time to ASK ME HOW I FELT. It feels like nobody even cares that I’m a person? I’m a person who was once a baby. You speak about protecting the rights of these unborn children but you don’t give a fuck about them after they are born. This doesn’t save anyone. This just makes it more unsafe and more horrible for other women to have an abortion. You didn’t save anyone – you killed more people that were already alive.

I had an abortion and I regretted it. And I even, for a split second, wished it had been illegal because I regretted it so much. BUT I wasn’t ready. I needed to make that decision for myself and learn. It’s not up to you to tell me what’s right or wrong. I was one of those people who had a loving partner and supportive family and I still struggled with that choice – but it was MY CHOICE. And after I did make that choice, I was terrified I was going to go to hell. I suddenly was religious after never having been so my whole life. I was sent into the deepest depression my soul has ever known. I made the decision out of fear. Fear that I didn’t have enough money or love to give to my unborn child. Fear that I would miss out on my life. Fear that my partner and I would break up or fight about money – just like my parents did. So much fear stood between me and this angel baby. I couldn’t do it. I had never had to make a decision like that before about my own life and the potential of someone else’s. And it wrecked me. It wrecked me for a long time. 

Afterwords, I punished myself. I told myself I couldn’t enjoy the simple sweet things life had to offer. I had always loved reading fantasy novels or listening to music in the Sun. But now I punished myself. I didn’t believe that I deserved these sweet moments unless they were laced with efficiency. I had chosen to have an abortion so I better be doing something meaningful otherwise I was just a selfish murderer. 

At the same time, I also used art to heal me. I started a business during my deepest depression. I found something that was all mine – something I could love. I created a world where no one could do wrong and no one could be judged because it was my own world. It became real too. It became a real business. I met incredible kind people who loved the intense and weird art that fueled my soul. I had strange and raw conversations. And then, only one year later, I got pregnant again. I was on birth control the first time and I was on birth control this time. It didn’t matter – here I was pregnant for a second time. But this time I knew I wanted that baby. I was still punishing myself from the year before but I also knew that my partner wanted this too. We had mourned and grown and lived together for one more year. We had regretted and loved and learned. We didn’t need to discuss it this time. I told him I was pregnant and he gave me a hug. We were happy this time. We were scared but we were happy and we were certain.

And I struggled – we struggled. We were broke and then we had money and then we were broke again. We had a baby in the midst of a pandemic. We fought with family and each other. And we learned that I wasn’t totally healed. We also grew. We have a love and a family of 3 (plus a dog). My family is stronger and happier and healthier than I could have imagined. The fears that haunted me then still haunt me now but the difference is that I know that I can handle it. I’m not perfect but I don’t regret my decision anymore. It forced me to grow into my own person. It allowed me to uncover an entrepreneurial passion that the scared little girl I was before wouldn’t have been able to handle. That choice, my own choice, allowed me to grow into the strong and independent woman I am today. The woman who brings in $10k plus a month from her own damn business. The leader who knows she can handle managing the team she hired and her clients. The woman who isn’t afraid of disappointing people. The woman who can make her own decisions. The woman who can trust herself and see beyond the standards/ rules/ and regulations that general society has placed on us. The woman who is building her dream life day by day – her own damn way. 

And maybe you are taking away my rights because that woman scares you. Maybe you know, deep down, you can’t control that woman. You can’t control the fearless, brilliant woman who is powerful and confident enough to make her own choices regardless of the fear that the world has instilled in her. But, no matter what, you can’t break her. You can’t break me. 

I’m still healing day by day. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe I made that decision for a reason and my reason might be totally different from someone else. I made a choice out of fear and love at the same time. I believe that decision allowed me to be the loving, strong and grateful mother, partner and business owner I am today. Another woman might make that decision because she was in an abusive relationship, or because she literally doesn’t have the financial means to take care of herself – let alone a child, or maybe she was attacked. You don’t know her story. You didn’t live her experience.

It’s easy to sit on the sideline and judge someone based on your own opinion. But you know what’s hard? To let go of that judgement and replace it with love. To have your own opinion – to make your own choices and allow others to make theirs – even if you disagree. I regretted my abortion and yet I found a new world of love and beauty as I healed myself. I can’t say what life would have been life if I had gone through with that pregnancy but I do know that the certainty and love I have for my current family and business is a life I wouldn’t trade for any other. My experience transformed me from someone who NEEDED security and approval from others to someone who can confidently support my own dreams and my family.

I wouldn’t have an abortion again but I would never take away that choice from another woman. The only thing I wish I knew then was the emotional impact of that decision on my life. But no one talks about the emotions behind politics. Everyone’s so busy trying to say why their opinion is better. Most of the time, I can really see both sides if I try. But I don’t think we should be trying to figure out whose “right.” We could debate that for centuries (we have). What if we shifted the conversation to choice? What if we came to a place where you and I can see this differently and still be friends. What if we could sit down and share our story and talk about our emotions without having to prove anything or judge anyone. Isn’t that the entire point of human existence? To experience both love and fear? To challenge ourselves, to feel pain and regret, to feel love and joy. We couldn’t truly experience one without the other. 

After my abortion, the thing that I wished most of all wasn’t that the law was different so I hadn’t made a decision I could regret. BUT instead I wished that I lived in a world where I could openly talk about this without fear of judgement or hate. I wished someone had felt safe enough to share their story so that I could learn from it. I wished I could have heard a grey emotional perspective instead of the black and white opinions of our political system. I wished that I could openly share my experience without fear.

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