You break them.
I hold them together.
I hope I can hold them together long enough and hard enough that they can heal all the places you broke.
You disappoint them.
I watch. Helpless. A hug at the ready.
Two years running, no happy birthday call or even a text from you.
When they don’t take the initiative you are incapable of, your girlfriend calls to chide them for not calling on father’s day.
You were their dad, you always showed up. You were THE dad.
Now you are their grief and sorrow. Now you inflict pain.
Are you self-aware enough to feel shame?
You came to California to catch a cat you abandoned. You only told them you were here after you’d left. You said you had no time. No time. For your daughters.
You failed to catch the cat. Had lunch with your mom. And left. Why even tell them you were here? Why inflict that anguish? Why tell them they are less important to you than a feral cat?
They want to drive to Oregon to see you. They want a relationship with you, despite everything, but you won’t commit to being home in a month so they can see you.
But you drove two states for a cat. A fucking cat.
They are beautiful souls, kind, respectful, intelligent, talented, generous. They are golden light. They are love.
You are undeserving of their grief. You are undeserving of their love. You are an ignorant, empty hearted fool.
I don’t hate. It is wasted energy. It marks my heart with something ugly. Hate does nothing to you and everything to me but you, you make it increasingly difficult, perhaps it will prove impossible, not to hate the very air you breathe.
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